Dry Spells of the Mind

After burning out my nervous system over a 2 week span of slamming Coke, then Meth, I wasn’t expecting this.

Maybe I skipped the suicidal crash;though the texts on assisted suicide and euthanasia linger under my bed, I can’t be fucked to plan the logistics of death.

I don’t even feel bad. 

I don’t really feel anything.

The world could implode violently and I would give not a shit. If it was punctual.

 That’s good right?

A wide sky in the desert. No clouds. No sun.

 Nice and fucking peaceful.


Infinite Capacity for Pain.

Zoey:  Do you think there’s a finite amount of pain in the world? Like if I take a thorn out of someone’s hand, does that pain have to go somewhere else?

Jackie:   Yes, that’s why there’s drugs.

Nurse Jackie Season 1, Episode 1

You never stop learning; I habitually saturated myself in the fictional reality of Showtime’s Nurse Jackie from early in my addiction.  Some see an inaccurate portrayal of addiction, but I saw myself mirrored in Jackie Peyton’s (Edie Falco) character; self sabotage, the desperation and the use of any drug can be a comfort, if not a means of survival.

After watching the beginning of Jackie’s descent, I realised I may have been naive – Nurse Jackie may have been a behavioural mentor rather than the mirror I once saw it as.

For me there was no slow progression from casual user, to habitual addict; months of anhedonia laced depression, á la Prozac Nation,  preceded the overnight shift into a daily regimen of phenidates, Phenmetrazines, the occasional amphetamine with a side of Citalopram.

I was content with the fact that I was addicted, a small price in exchange for the joy and time lost to depression.

I remain firm in my belief that pain is intrinsic, in me, in you. All of us.

However I cannot see a finite nature in suffering, desperate as I was, am and will be. Of course the neurological perspective debunks the finite nature of pain; pump someone with enough high affinity monoamine, GABA, and certain opioid antagonists and voila – no pleasure, energy, rest or relief. Clearly the logic is overly-simplistic and crude; though taken individually, the potential is not so far-fetched – naloxone precipitates opioid withdrawals painfully, antipsychotics are infamous for their negative symptoms.


The most simplistic view of the present does little to restore faith in a balance of suffering; I should provide references to data for ever-increasing levels of mental and physical suffering here, instead one can simply step outside and observe the world; violent persecution of morally innocent people in the phillipines, families in fear of losing access to affordable healthcare, not to mention the appalling discrimination against minorities that have somehow managed to survive.

Zoey:  Do you think there’s a finite amount of pain in the world? Like if I take a thorn out of someone’s hand, does that pain have to go somewhere else?

  No, that’s why there’s drugs.